One More Time, With Feeling - 09.19.97

While I was at a party (a formal one, not the drunken fest) about a month and a half ago, something really weird happened to me. Although I did have a spot to drink (one rum and coke), I wasn't the slightest bit drunk when the particular event happened to me. For most people it wouldn't even have been that big of a deal, but I feel compelled to share a few thoughts on it since it was something new for me.

What I did was nothing more than kissing someone. Actually, it was several kisses, but it didn't go any further than that. There was no touching or groping, and not even any other bodily contact to really speak of other than our knees. About now, most of you reading this are probably wondering what the hell my deal is. Sure, I've kissed people before, but this was different for many reasons.

The first (and probably main) reason that it was strange to me is because I'd only known the person for about 2 hours before it happened. I don't believe in 'Love at first sight," and I guess I'm kind of old fashioned in the way I go about dealing with relationships and everything else that goes along with them. Every other time I'd kissed someone, I'd known them for awhile (usually days) before it happened. Although I had been talking with this particular person for awhile, it still very much felt like I was kissing a complete stranger in many ways.

Another area of difference was in the feelings that I had toward the person I was kissing. Instead of thinking that this was the beginning of a possible relationship (or something), I knew that it was the beginning of absolutely nothing. Through conversation beforehand, we had figured out that we lived about 12 hours apart, as well as being almost 7 years apart in age (I'm 22, they were 28). Besides that, we didn't have many common interests or goals at all. I'm sure that it was clear in both our minds that it was a random act and we would probably never even see each other again. For some reason, my mind didn't feel the need to attach any significance to what was happening. Normally, I would have certainly connected some feelings to an act of kissing, but this time it was nothing more than going through the motions. Because of this reason, it wasn't nearly as good. As a purely physical act, kissing is still stimulating, but it was completely vacant on the emotional side of things.

The final reason it was very unlike me, is because (and I completely hate to admit this) it happened in front of a lot of people. As I mentioned before, we were at a fairly big party. There were a lot of people mingling around us and talking while it was happening. We weren't the only ones doing it, but I look back and feel really hypocritical knowing I've ripped on people before for doing it.

After having mulled it over for quite awhile, I'm positive I wouldn't have done the same given a second chance. At the time, I was a bit lonely and I think I let it get the best of me. They were attractive and I figured "what the hell." I guess in the end, I still want to have those emotions that go along with it. If I don't, kissing might eventually somehow lose its significance to me. I don't ever want to reach the point where it has simply become another act or routine in my life. It's way too excellent to de-value like that.