A Normal Discussion - 02.02.98

Awhile back, a good friend and I somehow got into a discussion on suicide. We talked about the person who had recently done it (Michael Hutchence) and then managed to get way off course. Eventually, we ended up talking about the respective ways that we would kill ourselves if we were going to do it. Before you get all upset with me, think about it. I think that almost everyone has thought about it at one point or another in their lives.

Although we agreed that shooting oneself in the head would be the fastest and least painful way out, neither of us thought it would be the way we'd want to do it. I guess we both had something more extravagent in mind. While he had to think about it a bit, I quickly jumped in with the way that I'd take myself out. Another time when I had been discussing it with someone else, I came up with my ideal situation. Granted, I would never do this, but if I was given no other choice, here's how I'd put an end to it all (Please remember that there is no probable way that this could be pulled off).

First of all, I'd make my drive to Chicago during the summertime and wait until the hottest and most humid day that I could possibly conceive. When this day finally rolled around, I'd go out and purchase about 300 pounds of food-service mayonnaise. After I had bought it, I'd load as much as I could possibly carry into double-lined Hefty garbage sacks.

After driving my car downtown, I'd take all the bags of mayo and go to the top of the John Hancock building (or damn near). Carrying all of the bags to the edge of the top of the building, I'd sit patiently until the police had cleared the area below and blocked off traffic. During this wait, I'd tie all of the bags of mayo to myself. When the time felt right, I'd move to the edge and flop myself over, falling several hundred feet to my death. Upon impact, the bags of mayonnaise would explode and splatter a great distance. Being a hot day, it would get nasty rather quickly and could probably only be cleaned up with scoop shovels and a lot of water.

My whole notion behind doing it this way is that maybe people would get a chuckle out of it all. If they saw pictures of it on the news or had to walk past the steaming gelantinous mass, they'd perhaps smile just a little and wonder what the hell I was thinking.

I know I do sometimes.