Reverting Again - 12.15.97|
Lately, I've found myself going through a phase that I sort of missed when I was growing up. Instead of having a period of my youth where I daydreamed about girls and had secret crushes, I just kind of went from not being interested in girls (grade school and junior- high), to figuring that they weren't interested in me (high-school). I dated when I went off to college, but I think I kind of skipped the whole innocent fascination stage.
Now, I'm 23 and I feel like I've regressed back to the time that I missed out on earlier. Since I graduated from college, I've tried keeping a bit of a sketchpad to jot down thoughts and drawings in. Lately, though, I find myself writing goofy song lyrics every once in awhile. Worse yet, I wrote down a couple cheesy lines of poetry the other night in total earnesty. I was just sitting in a coffee house, scribbling down a bit of a drawing when my pen started writing down free verse sap. At first, I was so into what I was doing that I didn't realize it. After finishing and going back to work on my drawing, though, I looked back at what I had done and chuckled.
When I read it aloud, it definitely sounded corny. I had never really written anything like it before (that I could remember) and yet, I had done it so fluidly. All of it simply came from looking over at a girl who was studying intently and sipping her mocha (or whatever) so nicely. For a moment, I thought of going for the ultimate cheeser moment by tearing out the sheet from my book and actually giving it to her. In the end, I decided not to disturb her studying and save myself the grief of getting laughed at.
This wasn't the only occasion that this has happened to me recently, either. When I'm at the club that I frequent, I find myself developing 'mini-crushes,' as I call them. I see someone who I think is attractive and just kind of innocently watch them as the evening progresses. It never becomes more, even though several times during the evening I talk myself into (and out of again) going over and chatting with them. It's all very dorky and naive', but I find it happening again and again. Sometimes, I'll just be walking down the street or eating a bite at a restaurant and it will randomly happen. Only once have I ever even done anything about it. I guess it's kind of voyeuristic, but I hardly ever see anyone more than once anyway. Besides, I think that it's fairly normal for people to be attracted to beauty in a curious sort of way. I'll only start to get worried if I suddenly think that I need to trade in my sketchpad for a spiral notebook covered with hearts and XO's.