That's A Record I'd Be Proud Of - 08.26.97

If you've already taken a look at my other essay, you'll know that I attended a party last weekend (horror of horrors). Now mind you, this wasn't a formal dinner party, or even a semi-nice cocktail party. This party was what some people would call a 'kegger.' Looking back upon my evening there, I'm not quite sure why I went, or even ended up staying so long, but I would venture to say that it was mostly out of morbid fascination.

After about an hour of standing near a wall watching people dance to old school Easy-E and the "C'Mon Ride The Train," I decided to venture into the basement in order to retreat from the noise and the heat. Suprisingly, I found it to be about 20 degrees cooler downstairs, so I plopped down on a couch and tried to strike up some small talk with others around me. After getting the hint that I was boring, I just kind of sat back and watched the people around me. About 15 minutes had passed when I heard some yelling from upstairs. A young man was charging down the stairs and slurring the infamous words, 'KEG STANDS!!" I had been to a few parties in my life, and had seen some drinking games. I had seen people smash beer cans on their head and had even witnessed a 'beer bong' on one occassion. This 'keg stand' was something completely new to me, however, so I decided to sit back and enjoy the festivities of the drunkies around me. By this time, the guy that was had originally started chanting was telling everyone about how he had seen someone do it for 48 seconds. Apparently this was some kind of feat, because many of the people around him got flabbergasted looks on their faces and uttered a trademark Joey Lawrence, "WHOA!"

The first girl to be propped up looked like she was about 5'5" and weighed about 120 or so. Two guys lifted her up and began shooting the beer into her mouth. After about ten seconds, she looked like she couldn't choke it down fast enough, but she still managed to hang on for 22 seconds. After being stood upright, the young lady seemed kind of upset and loudly proclaimed that she had done better. Then came a touching moment where everyone around her seemed to feel her pain and loss in not swallowing more beer.

That was enough for me. I stood up, went back upstairs and resumed my position by the wall. Every once in awhile, I could here people downstairs cheering and counts being screamed out. One guy even managed to get up to 39 seconds and came stumbling upstairs for a victory lap. A couple times, people brushed by me rapidly on their way out the front door. A guy next to me assured me that they, "were headed out to barf." That was one of the best things I had heard all evening (right next to 'beer is an aquired taste'), so I remembered it. On my way out to my car, I was weaving through the yard like it was full of land mines.