Re:(Elation?)ship Thoughts - 04.03.00

I've been in kind of a relationship funk lately, and my mind has not only been thinking about past situations, but present lack thereof and even about possible future ones as well. All the times I've had, conversations that I might have in the future, and things that have been said or written recently are all swirling around in my head. I decided to write down some of the thoughts that I've had more than others, in order to either help free things up inside my head, or allow for even more to present themselves. Nothing below is in order, and it might not even necessarily happened to me, but they're all things I've thought lately.

I picked up the phonebill and tore it open. Over the course of the past year, I'd been averaging nearly 40 dollars worth of long distance a month, but when I looked down, the paltry amount of 11 dollars was all I owed. I knew things would change between us, but I'd hoped that it wouldn't be 30 dollars a month worth.

"You know, wearing that ring makes it look like you're married."

"I don't think so. Sure, it's silver and smooth and looks like it could be a wedding band, but I'm not even wearing it on the right finger or the correct hand."

"So... what do you think married people do when they don't want to look like they're married?"

When I'm going through one of my cyclical mood changes, there's absolutely nothing I can do to change how I know I'm about to feel. I can listen to happy music and fight it all I want, but it's really no use. It's as if I'm strapped into a rollercoaster that's cresting right before a huge drop and all I can do is hold on and hope that the damn thing doesn't jump the tracks.

On the way to the theater, I had my friend go inside the coffee shop to sort of spy on a girl that I was crushing on. I gave him some money to buy a steamed milk, and before he did so, he asked her what her favorite flavor was and ordered that. On the way home from the movie, we stopped by again, only this time I went inside. I ordered a steamed milk with a flavor syrup and when she asked which kind, I put on my best shy smile and said, "almond."

She smiled back and said, "That's my favorite flavor."

"Really," I said. My smile got even bigger.

We fell asleep one afternoon, all tangled together and her head resting on my chest. When we woke up, I noticed that while we had been sleeping, she'd drooled on my shirt. Everyone else thought it was gross, but I thought it was cute.

Having an online crush may actually be more intense than a normal crush, because there's always the unknown factor. With a crush you see every day, you could theoretically go up to them at some point and say something, possibly leading to something more. Whereas, with an online crush, you can tell them and keep writing them and hope to someday meet them, but the distance is still there. Unless you bridge it, you're left saying "what if?" to yourself over and over. In turn, that simple statement make things even more interesting and frustrating at the same time.

"Well, goodnight."

"Yeah, I guess this is goodnight."

(somewhat awkward silence that lasts only a few seconds, but feels like much longer)

"So, what should we do now?"

"I'm not sure. One part of me really wants to kiss you."

"What does the other part want?"

"Umm...To kiss you."