Not Twisted, Just A Little Kinked - 02.01.99

When I graduated from high-school about 6 years ago, my fifth-grade teacher gave me a blank journal to record my thoughts in. I put it into a box in my room and while I was away at college, it got misplaced and re-arranged in our house. Finally, I dug it out just over a year ago and opened it up to find nothing inside it. I had owned it for about 5 years, and I had yet to write anything in it.

At that point, I decided that I would use it to write down ideas that I had for stories and any other random things that I came up with. While I have come up with quite a few story ideas (some of which have appeared here), I also jotted down tons of little weird things that usually came to me out of the blue. I pulled out the following passages because I thought they were particularly funny and / or strange. Some of them have maybe been said other places at other times, but I swear it isn't my intention of stealing anyone's glory. Enjoy a look in my head.

"Courtship is only a very subtly variation of stalking." I came up with this after observing a couple friends of mine early on in their relationships. Of course, I'm sure that my own actions at some points helped flesh this one out a little more.

"You always use far too much shampoo when showering after You've had my hair cut." Damn. This always happens to me, because I never think about it. It's just too late by the time huge globs of suds of slopping off my head and all over.

"People who wear camoflauge clothing are just begging to get bumped into on the street. If they get upset with you for running into them, just say, 'Sorry, I couldn't see you with your camoflauge on.'" I came up with this one after seeing a guy wearing camoflaugue one of the few times that I was in a new mall in our town. I just thought that it was funny, because there is no way that camoflauge would blend in within the bright and shiny environment. If you want to blend in within the mall, shop at Gadzooks or something.

"Be careful not to get red marker on yourself while you're using them. Later in the day, you'll catch a glance of your hand and think, 'Holy crap, I cut my hand open and didn't even feel it.'" This has happened to me so many times that I can't even count. There's always that split-second apprehension that goes on when I'm not sure where I would have cut my hand open and why I didn't feel it before. It's really funny.

"Did you know that the faster you push the walk button at the crosswalk, the faster the light will change?" Okay, I know that stand-up comedians and others have probably touched on this subject for quite some time, but I had to write this down one day after I saw a girl brutally pushing the walk button. It didn't matter that it had just changed the opposite way or that there was tons of traffic passing right in front of her, she seemed quite sure that it would change if she pushed it rapid-fire.